i wish i had a better picture to put there, but i’m challenged when it comes to photography and that really is the most fitting picture for this blog

THICK SKIN.

i wish they sold this stuff online. i wish i could ask for it for christmas. or borrow someone else’s. sometimes i don’t think i even realize that i lack it because there’s no way to practice thickening your skin really. although, my boss is pretty scary when she’s mad so maybe i should continuously do something to really piss her off so i can get some experiences with verbal abuse?

i have been thinking about this all day. i had a talk with one of the greatest mentors i have ever encountered thus far. seriously, this woman has taught me about stuff i never thought i needed to know. but today she gave me her brutal honest opinion that she worries i’m just not thick enough to withstand the brutality of small town reporter life.

part of me feels like she’s so wrong…but part of me understands why she feels that way.

the way people describe how harsh news directors can be — especially when your starting out — leads me to believe that these news directors are A LOT like my mother. she has never gone easy on me. i take it from her everyday…obviously it’s a more personal situation but after all of this time, i still don’t know how to let it not affect me. it does. it affects me greatly. and i don’t know how to make it NOT affect me. she’s my mother and the fact that i absolutely hate living with her really bothers me. and i don’t mean hate the way typical college grads who are living at home feel…it really affects my mood and my overall attitude sometimes.

with all that said, i think that getting away and starting the career that i’ve dreamt of since i was 12 years old is the perfect remedy. i’m not saying run from my problems and pretend they don’t exist…i think that a lot of my “problem” is living at home. and i hope that i can prove “mentor” wrong…i want her support more than anyone else’s. she took me under her wing and taught me a lot. but i feel like maybe she got to know the personal kelly too well and now feels like i need to learn without support so that i can toughen up and learn to survive.

after our talk, i cried for a good 20 minutes…which i think proved HER point more than mine. it’s just that i KNOW it’s not going to be an easy road to that first job and i know it might take a REALLY long time to get there. but i know it will happen for me whether it’s tomorrow or 2012, i know it will happen. she made it a point to tell me how talented and smart i am but right now, more than anything, i wish i knew what to do to make her say “i am confident that you are ready”. anyone got a magic wand?

i know i shouldn’t care what people think…and i think if it were anyone else, i wouldn’t. but i do.

but thick skin can’t be taught…so i’ll keep sending my tape. and perhaps say a prayer or two. i sure hope God still remembers me.

JP encouraged me to meet with CB (i’m going to use initials for the people i work with, you never know) and ask him if there’s anything else i can do to extend my time here a little longer…i knew i had nothing to lose. so i requested a few mins of the big guy’s time. he’s always been so great to me. it’s thanks to him i even got my job as a PA.

so i met with him today…said in a few words how much i loved it here, how i’d be willing to do help out in any area just to get a few more weeks here. but the economy SUCKS and his hands are tied with the big wigs. which i understand. he must have said “don’t lose hope” at least 30 times during our conversation which was kind of nauseating.

so i guess i should start applying for waitressing jobs? or maybe i should try applying for off-air jobs at other stations? a lot of people have suggested that…but i’m just not sure.

on a lighter note, today i followed up with one of HH’s friends at the nbc station in erie…they have an opening for an investigative reporter so i applied (via e-mail and snail mail to the news director…as usual) but HH called his friend to see if he can help make sure my tape is seen.
CB also suggested that i try reaching out to the stations in salisbury, maryland…he said they have hired other youngins from our station before. so i did.

i also applied in richmond, virginia…they had a posting on medialine. i had no idea richmond was considered a small market.

i’m losing count now on how many tapes i’m up to…getting closer to 30. i’ll mesh my unorganized lists together and have a real number tomorrow.

i’ll rewind.

2 weeks ago i sent my stuff to a news director in georgia…she used to be an EP at my current station, so many of my collegues suggested i send her my reel, even though technically they were not hiring. so i did. i e-mailed her my resume/references AND mailed a hard copy.

TODAY, i logged into medialine and saw a posting for an open reporter position at the same station in georgia. so i re-mailed (after about 30 minutes of wondering whether or not i should re-mail).

another virtue i desperately need to work on…patience.

part of the journey of becoming a reporter is tapping everyone i know for contacts.  i’m really lucky because so far, anyone i’ve asked for advice has been happy to help me.  one of our writers here at the station got me in touch with a news director in springfield, massachusetts…well technically, she gave her name, i googled her contact info, i e-mailed her a link to my reel on you tube, and then sent a hard copy.

her response surprised me…sadly, they are not hiring but it was not your typical “thanks but no thanks.”  she “applauded my ambition” and even ended the e-mail with “i’ll be watching for you.”    she told me i was doing everything right to carve out a great career.  

in my perfect world, every “rejection” would sound like that.

medialine.com is my new best friend.  i’ve been stalking it ever since i was given the “blessing” by my mentors to start sending out my tape.  tvjobs.com is another popular site for budding journalists looking to get into the crazy world of tv news, but medialine is sooooo much better. everyday there are new jobs posted. even if i’m not what the description in the ad says they’re looking for, i apply. i sent my goods to a news director in joplin, missouri yesterday.

21 tapes.

you don’t even need to know me that well to know that being a reporter has been my dream since december 8, 1997…that was the day my mom took us to the today show for the very first time.  we stood outside with the crowd on rockefeller plaza, i saw katie couric doing her thing, and i was HOOKED.

12 years later, here i am with 20 tapes out…to the most random places in the usa.   it’s going to happen…i know it.